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If the human mind was simple enough to understand,

we'd be too simple to understand it. (Emerson Pugh)

this is not reality

May 5, 2008

Guerrilla Gardening

I read this article on my lunch break last week, and loved it so much I had to email myself the link so I wouldn’t lose it.

The article: Shock gardening troops attack urban eyesores
The website: Guerrilla Gardening (which I only found tonight and have plenty more reading to do)

I can imagine scattering cornflower and poppy seeds along the overgrown grassy railway verges, for a spring full of colour, which would last at least a couple of seasons. I miss gardening, and I’m jealous of my Dad’s grand no-dig garden plans.

jen at 9:33 pm

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May 4, 2008

Talk the talk

Thursday I felt okay about the weekend. By Friday night, I had a lot more trepidation.
For a while now, my relationship has been needing one of those ‘big’ talks. The sort that I chronically avoid out of an irrational fear of pushing the man in my life away (or of him running away). You know the sort: the ‘where is this relationship headed’ talk.

Kate and I had planned to catch up at some point over the weekend, even though I was going to be at Fred’s for the majority of the weekend, depending on when she would be free. Friday was the night, so the plan was to see Kate for dinner, then spend the rest of the weekend with Fred. I called Fred to update him on my plans (having already forewarned him about this previously), and it was a difficult phone call, followed by a more intense phone call once I was at home. There’s nothing worse than making the rare occasional personal call at work, to have it be one that deeply upsets you. I was convinced that we would be having The Talk over the weekend, and after the intensity of that phone call, that it may well be the talk that ended in the ‘this is all too hard’ sign-off. Doom and gloom much?

I was relieved to have the distraction and company of Kate on Friday night, along with a good bottle of wine and an overabundance of food. We don’t see each other as often as we’d like - life gets in the way - so it was much appreciated. I can’t remember the last time I’ve eaten so much.

Saturday I woke feeling slightly seedy and very tense. Did I think it wise to have a relaxing shower? No - I was already running late! No time! I got to Fred’s about 11am. There was a huge weight on my shoulders but still we avoided the talk. And avoided it, and avoided it. At least I’m not the only guilty party when it comes to avoiding talking about the big things. We still had a few laughs and the intensity of Friday’s phone call was washed away a little. Finally, this morning we had a small talk - more of a talk about talking, and the need for communication about these issues. The anxiety hasn’t all gone away but there’s a little less pressure.

jen at 9:32 pm

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April 30, 2008

No more dilly-dally?

Why haven’t I written anything for such a long time? Why and where have I been hiding?

I got caught up in the whirlwind of trying to juggle life, which is where I quickly learnt that I’m actually not very good at juggling. It’s been a slow process of starting with just one ball and playing catch with myself.

Rather suddenly I had a great desire to refocus on self-expression. So, here I am. Let’s not focus on where I’ve been, but instead, on what’s happening now.

I went to the gym on the way home from work tonight. I complain and whinge to myself about going, but once there I enjoy it, and it creates a very effective mental gap between work and home. I’m a little sick of the structure of my program, so for the time being I’m pick and choosing what I ‘feel’ like doing. If I only go for 15min on the elliptical trainer because that’s all I’ve had time for - at least I’ve been. It’s a better mindset than saying I don’t have the time or energy to go at all, and when I do go, I know I can see the results. I slacked off for a little while, probably because there was a high accessibility of excuses at my disposal (gym closed due to storm damage, I had a cold, etc).

Tomorrow I see Sarah. She’s been one part of the solution to the dilemma I came across in October (when I, um, realised I couldn’t juggle). I usually spend a good portion of the proceeding day thinking about what to discuss with her during the appointment. It’s usually a waste of brain space, because most of the time I don’t think of anything throughout the day (and then worry about wasting her time and my money), but then just when I think I’m most stuck as I take a seat and she shuts the door, all of a sudden I have plenty to say. Often I’ve been surprised by what pours out of my mouth, because I’m notoriously hopeless at times at connecting brain to mouth when it comes to talking about Big Stuff.

Ack, it’s after 9:30pm again. I was hoping for an early night, but for the last couple I’ve dilly-dallied about sitting down to type this first entry (first as in first of a new beginning). I better hightail it - time to snuggle down under the covers and get a good dose of shuteye.

jen at 9:49 pm

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October 30, 2007

Missing…

I’ve lost track a little, been swept away.

I’m a little surprised that this tan-coloured-pencil mood has washed over me once again - though in hindsight I can see it’s been hovering backstage for a while now. I’m being proactive on Friday and going to talk to someone about it. That itself makes me antsy and anxious. Then, a break in the sunshine for a few days.

Maybe when I catch up with myself, I can catch up here? I miss this as an outlet, but feel like I’ve forgotten what to say.

jen at 8:56 pm

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August 14, 2007

Time

My clock radio has this uncanny knack of gaining time. Initially I set it about five minutes faster than my wristwatch, though within a few weeks or so, it will have moved forward at least another twenty minutes beyond the actual time. It baffles me why this happens, particularly as there are no obvious power surges.
There are striking similarities between my time warped clock radio and my life right now. Where did July go, and where, for that matter, has the first half of August gone?

jen at 9:39 pm

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