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If the human mind was simple enough to understand,

we'd be too simple to understand it. (Emerson Pugh)

this is not reality

July 1, 2008

Sheep counting

I’m having trouble sleeping. It’s practically the first time in my life that this has happened - previously there’s been the too-excited or too-nervous related insomnia, but that’s only ever lasted one night (two if you count the time I travelled to the US and was coming off graveyard shift). Over the past 10 days I can only say I’ve reasonably well on about three nights. Mightn’t sound like much to someone who’s well versed in insomnia but sleep is one of my favourite things. And usually I’m good at it - given the uninterrupted opportunity, I’ll generally easily get 8 to 9.5hrs shut eye. Not so at the moment. The tiredness shows on my face, and people are commenting that I look exhausted. When I am sleeping, I’m grinding my teeth again (sore jaw, torn up gums); as well as having the most epic dreams.

Why? I’m not entirely sure. It could be anxiety - there’s a lot of potential change happening right now (i.e. apartment coming up for sale), and that’s usually the thing that unnerves me most. I thought I’d come to terms with it and just letting go, although perhaps I’ve just shoved all those worries deep down to the bottom of the bucket of my subconscious. A couple of those nights sleep deprivation was exacerbated by having a bruise over my scapula (shoulder blade) from a fall - I couldn’t lay on my back or my right side, and moving meant the bruise was stretched and pulled over the bone (ouch).

My nightly routine has taken on a whole lot more than simply hopping into bed, turning out the light, and closing my eyes. It involves dimming the lights, making sure the earplugs are in (defence against flatmate’s horrific snoring), stretches, a heat pack, breathing exercises and visualisations. It still doesn’t always work, and even if it does, there’s no guarantee that it’ll keep me asleep.

Working in the sleep lab made me feel sympathy for the few true insomniacs we saw (most did actually sleep all night, and then some, despite their subjective perceptions), though this experience has given me some empathy.

jen at 9:18 pm

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June 16, 2008

Latest foodie links

What a difference a week makes. Compared to my last post, I’m a lot calmer - perhaps because nothing much has happened yet, perhaps because I’ve been able to accept that it’s all a bit come what may. It was good to be at Fred’s over the long weekend, and although I was a little cranky and out of sorts, I was able to get a little distance and perspective.

This past weekend has been very sociable for me. Both Friday and Saturday night we were out until after midnight, which is something that doesn’t happen often. Sometimes I’m so old for my age (or so Fred tells me!). Friday night Kate and I braved the madness that is Chadstone late night shopping. I was successful in finding a dress to wear to the wedding (that of a former flatmate and a former manager from my retail days, who I introduced at my 21st birthday), but now I also need at the very least a jacket and maybe shoes. Saturday night was a dinner party with another pair of couples (friends from uni and their respective partners), plenty of laughter and opinions and interesting discussions.

Fred remarked whilst flipping through the hostess’ cookbook that I knew everything about food. Whilst I was the first to point out that he was making gross generalisations, it is true that I’m interested in food and cooking, and am known to my friends and family as a bit of a foodie. Lately this has spread to my blog / website reading and it amazes me that it took me so long. So, with such an appropriate segue, here are the foodie links I’ve been perusing recently:

That’s just a sample of what I’ve been reading these days, and it’s certainly helping me with my approach to food. I’ve gone off the pre-packaged meals that earlier this year were my staple at dinner. Almost every weekday I’ve had home cooked dinner for the past couple of months, with a focus on all food groups. It doesn’t always work over the weekend (as a result by this past Sunday night I felt quite stodgy) but I’m glad most days are relatively balanced.

jen at 8:33 pm

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June 5, 2008

An aside:

All that being said, maybe I should check my lottery ticket - $50 million jackpot tonight (that’d be one hot potato I’d catch with glee!).

jen at 9:56 pm

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Que sera, sera…

Occasionally life can throw you one big whopping curve ball that has the potential to change everything. It’s almost as if the powers that be decide: “Well, she’s had it cruisey for a while now - time to mix things up! Hahaha - cop this one!” I caught the hot potato with a little excitement, but things have been happening way too fast and impending change freaks me out.

Earlier this week I got a strange letter in the mail. Handwritten, from Malaysia, addressed “To the Tenant” - I was expecting some crazy pyramid scheme or chain letter, and looked forward to the brief amusement it might contain. It was from a man claiming to have inherited the apartment I rent (and where I have lived for seven years now), asking for my details including how much rent I paid and to whom. Not being one to fall for Nigerian Princes needing assistance moving their millions, I wasn’t going to provide him with any personal information just willy-nilly. I called my real estate agent and spoke to my temporary property manager, and duly forwarded a copy of the letter on to her. I requested that I be kept in the loop, though I didn’t expect to hear from her within the hour. She’d spoken to the landlord (who happened to actually be the brother of the Malaysian man, landlord’s son & power of attorney, and who had also inherited a portion of the apartment), yes, the Malaysian man was who he said he was, but really he had gone about it the wrong way. They were keen to sell. Again - I wasn’t expecting how keen - this afternoon I received a phone call at work from another real estate agent on behalf of the owners, to make a time for a valuation inspection in the next few days. I’ve managed to defer it until Tuesday. So, the whirlwind begins.

The last time the place I was renting was sold, I moved here.
I’m a nester, and right now this feels like my nest is being shaken out of its tree.
Do I move? The rental market is so tight right now. I don’t have the savings to buy property, or the means to justify a mortgage without that kind of savings. Fred lives so far away from my work - it’d take me two hours just to commute one way.
The idea of open for inspections gives me chills - being a nester, my environment isn’t stark and minimalist, but filled to the brim with knick-knacks and ‘treasures’.
I can’t even get hold of Kate to talk this through.
It’s difficult to get all this out of my head, and I’m kind of hoping spilling all this randomly here will give me a little bit of breathing space, at least so I can get some sleep.
I’m not very good at handing things over but I try to keep telling myself whatever will be will be, to hand it all over and just to let it go.

“Que sera, sera,
Whatever will be, will be;
The future’s not ours to see.
Que sera, sera,
What will be, will be.”

jen at 9:53 pm

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June 1, 2008

June now

June already? I don’t understand how we got here so quickly.

I’ve had quite a busy weekend. Fred came down on Friday night, and I met him out and about on our way to a friend’s farewell drinks. I was already feeling out of sorts that afternoon, and after trekking my way from work, I was worse for wear and then was probably waiting a little too long for Fred. I wasn’t a happy camper by the time he arrived: tired, cold & hungry. All I wanted to do was to go home and pull the doona over my head. I cheered up a little after my tummy was filled with tasty Mexican food, and a little more with some very drinkable cocktails. It is funny though - the way the dynamics with some friends change over time, so much so that you’re left wondering whether you ever had that much in common anyway. (This wasn’t in regards to friend who was being farewelled). I mentioned it to Fred when we got home, and he initially reprimanded me for potentially ‘writing off’ friends - not the case at all.

Saturday morning was filled with errands, and finally I met up with Kate. We went back to our old stomping ground, the Malvern end of Glenferrie Rd, and visited the Magnolia Square market that was on at the Malvern Town Hall. There were plenty of amazing goodies, though I didn’t buy many. I think my purse would have had a far greater workout if I had more babies / young children in my life right now. So much of it is do-able without buying though - just a little creative and spending a little hands on time actually crafting. Sadly neither of us won the hamper raffle! Maybe next time…! Afterwards we visited a scrapbook / paper store - heaven for both of us. Amazing stationary and we both bought a couple of $5 grab bags (filled with off-cuts and scraps, both of mine with glitter pens worth $5.30 on their own). Kate’s always been the more artistic one, having studied art all the way through high school and then at uni. Nonetheless, we’re both considering taking a class together, maybe in ceramics or some other instant-result art/craft.

(potentially vegetarian-offensive paragraph ahead)

Perfect start to winter with today’s weather - cold, foggy and miserable this morning, which lifted to reveal a glorious blue-sky warm sunny day that quickly dipped with the drop of the sun toward the horizon. Fred, Nick and I drove to my parents’ place. Last weekend,  Nick and one of his mates went hunting on my parents’ farm, and to everyone’s surprise, got a deer. Very unexpected, particularly in the open paddocks; the feral deer tend more to roam through the bush. Luckily with Dad’s tendency to one of everything, they were able to hang the carcass in a cool room (yes - a cool room in one of the many sheds). With Fred’s meat industry expertise, today we were able to turn it into something far more presentable and almost supermarket like. It still needed slicing into steaks and mincing the offcuts, but it was less animal and more meat like at the end of the afternoon. It doesn’t make me squeamish, particularly as the beast was cold and already gutted, but I’m sure if it had been from step one, I still wouldn’t have been particularly bothered. This is the girl that grew up on a beef cattle farm after all, who has plucked her own pesky roosters to make chicken stew, and seen pet pigs turn into roast pork. I think we’ll be eating a lot of venison over the next few months.

jen at 9:41 pm

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May 28, 2008

One foot in front of the other

I tend to read the paper (online) during my lunch break. I know I should get away from my desk, but often it’s not the case. Thankfully I can turn my phone on break, and colleagues generally avoid interrupting when they see food / eating / etc. Still, poor excuses and I know it would help with my stress levels just to get away from there just for 15min. During today’s read, I came across this uplifting article in The Age: To everyday heroes: Just. Keep. Going.

I’m plodding through the week, one step at a time. As far as the GCC goes, I’m averaging around 11,000 steps a day (or about 7km). This isn’t really a huge feat in itself because getting to and from work each day is a roughly 4km round trip. I’m persisting though, and I do feel more obliged to include more incidental walking (as well as those planned gym visits).

It’s almost been a year in this new job / career direction. I enjoy most of it, though some parts make me question what I really want out of life. Really? If money was no option, I would attempt to become self sufficient and would craft and art all day long. Unfortunately I don’t live in that world right now though I know I’ll be able to draw at least some of that into my life slowly but surely. I’m glad I spent so many years as a child reading Grassroots magazine (which I wish I had a link to, but it appears elusive in my Google searches - I need to go the newsagent, and look at the thing in my hands and see if they even have a website - that is, if it’s still published).

I have to find 3-5 images (photos or otherwise) that represent myself but can’t be images of me. Sadly, this project is for a work team building exercise, it’s an interesting concept though I’m not entirely sure what I want to show of myself.

jen at 9:35 pm

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